At the tender
age of 23, I found myself living in a violent and abusive relationship. It
started like most of them do, with the belittling, the criticism, a shove here,
a slap there, then escalated to violence and beatings. I was an Ivy
League-level college graduate, and still, I let him have such power over me
that I was afraid and ashamed to leave.
You don’t
need to know the reasons. It was a long time ago. I’m out. I’m safe. I’ve moved
on. It’s a million miles away now.
I Just Don't Get It
In the wake
of the Ray Rice abomination, as a domestic abuse survivor and liberator, I am
naturally curious as to why women stay in these horrifying, life-threatening
relationships. I read the tweets on #whyIstayed. I see the posts. And I just
don’t get it.
I thought I had
nowhere to go.
I thought no
one cared.
I was wrong.
One day after
work, with not even a toothbrush with me, just the clothes on my back and about
$20 in my purse, I didn’t return home and ran for my life. I stayed at a
coworker’s house (her husband was a cop) until my brother could drive the
two-and-a-half hours on a Friday night to come and get me.
I got out. I
saved myself. And it was the scariest thing I had ever, ever done in my life.
But I also
knew I had to do it.
A lot of
these women, they say, “You don’t understand. You’ve never been there.” I have
been there. And I still don’t understand.
You DO Have a Choice
At the end of
this posting, I repeat three important resources, places and people women (and
men) can go to if they need help escaping an abusive relationship.
You always
have choice. You don’t have to stay. You always have choice. You may have limited options, I understand that. But you always have choice.
The Power to Make Your Own Choices
Here are some
of the tweets I’ve seen and my responses to them.
I tried
to leave the house once after an abusive episode, and he blocked me. He slept
in front of the door that entire night.
The house has windows, doesn’t it?
I stayed
because my pastor told me that God hates divorce. It didn’t cross my mind that
God might hate abuse, too.
Ugh. Abuse and organized religion. Don’t get me started.
He said
he would change. He promised it was the last time. I believed him. He lied.
How many “last times” did you need to give him before you
realized HE WAS LYING?
After
being stuck in an abusive relationship for awhile I started to believe I
deserved all of it.
STOP! You don’t deserve it.
I had
to plan my escape for months before I even had a place to go and money for the
bus to get there.
There is ALWAYS a place to go. You just have to know where to
look. More on this at the end.
I
stayed because I thought love was enough to conquer all.
It’s not love when he expresses his feelings through torment
and abuse, and his “love” with his fists.
I
stayed because my word was the only evidence.
You don’t need “evidence” to leave an unhappy
relationship.
I stayed
because I was halfway across the country, isolated from my friends and family.
And there was no one to help me.
There is ALWAYS someone to help. More on this at the end.
Because
I was 15 and he said he loved me and I didn't know what love was. I thought I
had to marry him. It was my fault.
Yep. This was me. Only I was 22 and I did
almost marry him. We were both wrong, you and I.
You
think you know but you have no idea.
I do. I have every idea in the world.
Get Out Now
I’m not judging you. I’m trying to get you to see the facts:
You don’t deserve this.
It’s not love if he’s hurting you on purpose.
Someone does care.
You do have a place to go.
You can get out.
You can disappear where he’ll never find you.
I know. Because I did it.
And you can do it, too.
Most metropolitan areas have abuse hotlines and centers you
can call and go for help. In Rochester, NY, we have The Willow Center (formerly
Alternatives for Battered Women). You can reach them here, http://willowcenterny.org/,
or at (585) 232-7353.
If your city or town doesn’t have such a place, start with 911.
If you’re physically trapped, being held hostage, or restrained and can’t do
that, there are these two national resources. Get out of the house. Get out as
soon as you can. Then get in contact with one of them. All are 24/7.
The Domestic Violence Hotline at Safe Horizons
(855)
468-5287
The National
Domestic Violence Hotline
(800)
799-SAFE (7233)
(800)
787-3224 (TTY)
Don’t wait
any longer. Do something now. Change your life. Please.
Before he
changes it for you.
Everyone's Business
And if you’re
sitting there and you know (or suspect) someone you know or love is trapped in
a vicious relationship, you, too, can do something about it.
Stand up.
Speak out. Lend a helping hand, a caring heart. Call one of the resources above. Because it is your business, too.
But that’s a
topic for another blog …
(BTW – I got out 25 years ago, when we didn’t talk about
these things as easily. We didn’t have Facebook, and Twitter, or hotlines, and
we didn’t have the national awareness we do now. I didn’t have strangers who
care … like you do. If you are too scared or ashamed to reach out officially,
reach out to me. I’m here. You can PM me on Facebook any time. Diane Mashia. https://www.facebook.com/dimashia.
I won’t judge you. And I can help you.)
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