How Do You Measure "Sexy?"

What Makes a Man Truly Sexy?

Personal Reflections on My Own Top Ten

A few weeks ago, I read an essay entitled, “Eleven Things That Make a Man Instantly Sexy.” They were fairly mundane characteristics in my opinion, and I found  them to be as applicable to women as to men in a relationship. I agreed with them; most of them, anyways. But there were a few that were obviously lacking.

So I decided to make my own list.

For the past few weeks, I have been observing the men in my life, and paying particular attention to the way in which we interact with each other. Now, I love all the men in my life – my friends, love interests, colleagues, family – and I do find some particularly sexy. [Yeah. You know who you are. I’ve probably told you personally at one time or another, how I feel about you.] As a result of my observations, I began to compile a list of my own.

So now, I present to you, the Ten Characteristics I Find Most Sexy in a Man. In no particular order.

Passion. To be attractive, a man has to have passion. For something. Be it his professional work, his family, children – grand children – or something he does for fun or personal fulfillment, a man with a passion for something which he pursues with enthusiasm and energy is exceedingly attractive to me. Guys who approach life in a pedantic, plodding way are, to me, banal and insipid. Like eating a mashed potato sandwich on white bread. Bland, bland, bland. Give me a guy with passion for something he loves to do, and I’m instantly drawn to him.

Depth. Shallowness is quite distasteful. Beyond distasteful. Sickening, in fact. A man who is phony from the get-go – especially if he thinks I’m too stupid to notice – can just keep walking. I’m far better off without him in my life.

Sincerity. Honesty and truth are important in a friendship or relationship, but that’s such a common cry from women, it’s almost a truism. Sincerity is different. It starts with honesty, trust, and truth, but I’m talking about a man who is genuine. No airs, no pretense, no conceit (which, by the way, is the ultimate turn-off), but a genuine human being, represents himself in his words and actions, and doesn’t ever pretend to be something he’s not, in a misguided attempt to impress me. Never. Ever.

Talent. Now, I am firm believer that everyone has talent. A super-power, in fact. We are all super-heroes in some way. What is incredibly sexy in a man (or woman, for that matter), is that not only has he discovered and recognized his super-power, but he is actively pursuing it to perfection. A man who has the desire to develop this talent, practice it, hone it, and share it with the world. Ooh. Yeah.

Articulate. And by that, I mean a man who is well spoken. It’s an instant turn-off to me, when a guy cannot express himself properly. An attractive man is thoughtful, mindful, and considerate of the words he speaks before they come out of his mouth. It proves he’s a good communicator. That he doesn’t mind discussing things. And not just talking about our relationship; but sharing with me his life, his thoughts and his dreams in vivid detail. I am a very good listener. I relish the opportunity to show off that particular skill.

Self-Awareness. The unexamined life is not worth living. There is nothing more distasteful than a man who refuses to get to know himself. And it doesn’t matter how he does it. Perhaps he reads books; or he’s been on retreat; spent a week in the forest with just his thoughts; something that says to me he has a deep-rooted interest in learning what he can about himself and applying it to his life, if, for nothing more, to make himself a better man.

Compassion. Does he love animals? Feel empathy with the young, or very old? How does he consider the feelings of others, and in turn, my feelings, in our relationship? This is true in friendly relationships as well as romantic couplings. Sexy is the man who sees beyond his own needs and desires and can feel compassion for another living creature. Again I say, whoo. Yeah.

 Gentleness. Along with compassion, I find gentleness extremely attractive. This is perhaps one of the first attributes I noticed in all the men in my life whom I find sexy; one man in particular whose gentleness manifests itself physically in his hands. He has lovely hands. He is attractive in many other ways, but his hands. He has beautiful hands. And he also knows how to use them. A gentle touch. A gentle word. A kind gesture. This is the man I want close to me in my life.

Intelligence. It’s important that I qualified these characteristics as “in no particular order,” for if I had bothered to rank them as I wrote, intelligence would without question be at the top of the list. I’m not the first to recognize smart as the new sexy. “Cute and stupid” is a dangerous combination.

And finally ...

He worships me! He hangs on my every word, he buys me gifts, he showers me with expensive jewelry … OK. You’ve got to know I’m kidding. Seriously, what I’m talking about here is the ability to see beyond my exterior. He listens to understand me. Or at least in an attempt to understand me. A guy who accepts me for who I am, sees who I am, and loves me anyways. This is the ultimate, epitome of sexy.

A sexy and attractive man is not perfect. He has his weaknesses. He has his blind spots (don’t we all?) and he is aware they exist, even if he doesn’t know what they are yet. As one man I find particularly sexy put it, “I prefer to think of it as flawed in attractive ways.” Knowing that he’s not perfect. Knowing and accepting that we’re all constantly growing and changing. This, this is a sexy and attractive man in my book.

He can rub my feet any day.

But, that’s for another post, another time.